


Scout Crashes His Own Funeral

by tiedyeflag



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Humor, Respawn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 09:52:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8051764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiedyeflag/pseuds/tiedyeflag
Summary: A few months after the war ended all nine mercs are resuming their normal lives. However, Scout finds himself back at respawn after beating up some punks who picked on his family. Medic never mentioned he left the respawn on, but now Scout has to hitch a ride back to Boston with the scatterbrained doctor.





	Scout Crashes His Own Funeral

**** A door that had not been open in ages cracked open, just a couple of inches to let sunlight inside. Hesitantly a pale blue eye peeked through the crack and twitched as it looked for any danger. Then the door opened fully, and in walked Scout. His worn down cleats made dull thumps against the cool concrete floor. He looked behind and saw his footprints in the thick covering of sand and dust. 

“Man, did they turn this place into a dust museum, or what?” Scout kicked the air, seeing more dust flutter about. It’d take a hundred brooms to sweep the months worth of dirt inside.

_ “Months,” _ Scout thought, it’s been months since this whole messy excuse of a war ended. Months after their final paycheck signed by Mann Co.. Months since their manly--and tearful, for some--goodbyes. Months since Scout’s especially tearful goodbye, and was whisked back to Boston on a plane.

He stuck his hands into the pocket of his hoodie as his pace slowed. As much as he loved not having to put up with Spy every day, he still missed the liveliness of those times, and the friendships he formed. At least he kept in touch with most of them with letters. He saved them in a shoebox under his bed. With its contents it felt more like a treasure box of vivid stories and postcards. Scout grinned, he could hardly wait to write to the team how he visited the old base after a respawn.

He stopped.

He went through respawn. Miles away from home.

Which meant his mother would worry when he didn’t show up for dinner.

“Aw, crap!” Scout clutched his head, nails digging into his baseball cap. His mind raced as fast as his heart. What was the fastest way from New Mexico to Boston? And  _ how? _

Then everything stopped as Scout heard a thump.

He bit his tongue and listened. The distant thump came again, followed by a voice too indistinct to make out, and footsteps fading away.

Scout ventured further inside and down the hall as he studied the ground; he found fresh footprints in the dust before him. Large ones, belonging to a pair of boots. He followed them until the trail turned towards a room. One of the rooms for the sleeping mercs. Back in the day it was...Heavy’s? Or Soldier’s? Scout couldn’t quite remember, mainly because he focused more on the sounds of shuffling drawers coming from inside.

Without a second thought he poked his head inside and barked, “Knock knock!”

“AAAH!!” Cried the figure hunched over a desk. He turned, long white coat flapping around him and unmistakable wire framed specs askew.

“Doc?!” Scout cried.

“Scout!! What on earth are you doing  _ here?” _ Medic pushed his glasses up his nose.

“That’s what I was gonna say!!”

* * *

 

“...And that’s how I ended up back at the base!” Medic chirped as he finished his story.

“I still can’t believe you forgot to tell us you didn’t turn off respawn.” Scout propped his elbow against the car door as he stared at the blurring horizon. The taxi drove over a bump, causing Scout’s dogtags to jingle.

“It slipped my mind, everyone makes mistakes! Even mad scientists!” Medic said. 

“Guess so,” Scout shrugged. He wasn’t going to argue with the man who brought him back to life countless times, and who helped him phone a taxi in the middle of nowhere. When it finally arrived, they climbed inside and asked the elderly woman to drive them to the nearest airport. Thankfully, she asked no questions and drove in silence. The car ride would have been deadly quiet without Scout and Medic’s chatter, and the woman didn’t even flinch at their tall tales. Scout would have mistaken the woman for a robot if not for the exaggerated motions of her mouth as she sucked on her false teeth--or so Scout presumed.

“Hey, Doc?” Scout asked.

“Yes?”

“You got a plan to get us plane tickets?”

Medic grinned, tilting his head at the perfect angle for the setting sun to reflect blindingly off his glasses. “Ohohoho, leave it all to me, mein friend.”

“Fine, do what ya gotta do, just don’t get any blood on my clothes.” Scout tugged at the collar of his tshirt. “Don’t want to give my Ma’ a heart attack when she sees us.”

“Us?” Medic pointed at his chest.

“Whaddya mean, ‘us’?”

“I thought we’d both get on our respective planes and go our separate ways. I’m sure Archimedes misses me very much...and I must recover my experiments.”

“C’mon, by the time we reach Boston it’ll be late! Wouldn’t you rather sleep in a nice warm bed then a stinky plane seat? ‘Sides, you can help explain to my Ma’ why I’m still in one piece! Heck, you can even brag about your experiments to my family or whatever! I’m sure they’d love to meet ya’!”

“Hm…” Medic tapped his chin, still pensively reluctant.

“I’ll let ya cut open the punks that messed with me.”

Medic’s face lit up like a medical fluorescent light. “Why didn’t you say so?!” He pulled at his red rubber gloves and let them snap back into place. Then his expression dimmed to normal wattage. “I take it these, ah, ‘punks’--”

“Killed me? Yeah, but I beat them up first!” Scout grinned. “Showed ‘em what happens when you mess with my family!”

“What did they do?”

“Bullied one of my nieces, that’s what! And then they nearly poked my brother’s eye out, those bastards!!” Scout growled. He tightened his fists.

“And that’s how you ended up in respawn?”

“Yeah.”

“Dying while protecting your family…” Medic’s face softened. “That’s a very noble thing to do, Scout.”

Scout’s chest swelled with even more pride and nodded in agreement. “Just you wait, we’re gonna jump on the fastest plane to Boston, show those motherfuckers who’s boss, and--”

The driver suddenly coughed. Both men jumped at the sudden movement. She turned her head and opened her mouth, revealing she was sucking not on false teeth, but a green jawbreaker the size of a ping pong ball. Even with her mouth full, she said clearly, “I’d take a bus if I were you, pal.”

Scout quickly recovered from his shock and barked, “Well, who asked you, old fart?  Planes are way faster!!”

“And have more security. Getting past them with whatever you’re spewing isn’t gonna be easy. You’ll look more suspicious than a bloody knife. Take a bus. No one asks questions on a bus.” She pushed the jawbreaker to the other cheek and turned back to the road. “Jus’ saying. Your call if you dumb poots wanna take my advice or not.”

After a silence, Medic and Scout glanced at each other, both considering the same thing.

How many busses would it take to get to Boston?

* * *

 

Scout slept with his cheek pressed against the window of the bus, drool dribbling down the cheap glass. His snore drowned out the hum of the engine as the bus puttered past streets he knew like the back of his hand. Meanwhile Medic idly stared at the door. As he caught sight of a grey pigeon fluttering past the window, he prayed Archimedes and the rest were doing okay without their doctor. Thank heavens for the sweet old lady who lived next door to his reclusive apartment and took care of his birds while he was away. She was oblivious to Medic’s insane experiments, buying his story that he was just a humble surgeon. As thanks, he secretly alleviated her arthritis with his Medigun whenever he could. He hoped it wasn’t acting up too badly now...

The bus lurched to a stop, jerking Medic from his thoughts. He nudged Scout’s side and whispered, “Wake up, Scout.”

“Zzz--five more minutes, Ma’…”

“Guess I’ll have to bring out the big guns,” Medic coughed, then tugged at Scout’s ear and said, “Look, Scout, Miss Pauling in a swimsuit!”

“Really?!” Scout’s eyes shot open and he jumped to his feet like a spring. “Where, where?!”

Realization followed by embarrassment washed over him as he remembered his surroundings and heard Medic doing his best not to burst laughing. They disembarked the bus while avoiding the glare of the bus driver, who slammed the door behind them and sped off.

Scout growled, “Don’t even think about tellin’ Spy about that--”

“Calm down, Scout,” Medic waved his hands in a placating manner. “I don’t even know where he is. No one does. He could have been the driver for all we know!”

“Argh...Fine, let’s just get home. My home’s like, two blocks from here.”

They walked along the sidewalks as the streetlamps flickered to life, even though it was barely dusk. Summer nights came late but no one gave them the memo. As they walked, Scout pointed and talked about each house they pass.

“My buddy Mike used to live there, we’d race each other to school every day...And Linda used to live here. If it weren’t for her I woulda flunked my high school history class...Oh, old lady Wendy’s here. She’s always as cranky as a cactus up an ass, but damn, she payed me a fortune to mow her lawn--” Scout stopped when Medic placed a hand on his shoulder and ground them to a halt. “What’sa matter, Doc? Not like she’s gonna jump out and eat us! I mean, not now. She’s probably knocked out for the night!”

“Is that your house?” Medic pointed ahead with his free hand. Scout looked and yes, it was his house. He raised an eyebrow at all the cars parked in front of it, however. Even more surprising, he saw people dressed in black enter his home. Family members.

“I don’t believe it,” Scout shook his head in disbelief. “They’re throwing a party without me?!”

“Scout, I don’t think--”

Wrestling free from Medic’s grip, Scout jogged towards his house. “Looks like they went with some emo theme or somethin’. Well, better late to the party then never!”

“Scout,  _ wait! _ Listen, I don’t--”

“C’mon, Doc, whatcha waiting for?” Scout hopped up the stairs and opened the door, which was luckily unlocked. From outside, Medic heard him shout, “Hey, everybody! Hi Ma’! Lemme help you hand out those flower--”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

Medic pinched his nose at the other screams that followed from inside as Scout dumbly gawked back in shock.

* * *

 

Crickets filled the dry night air with their screeching while the moon bathed the gas station in a pale light. It was an average rest stop, dingy and in the middle of nowhere. It was a miracle the rusty telephone booth with cracked glass still worked.

Spy decloaked from the shadows and slipped inside the booth. He eyed his surroundings while holding the outdated receiver and punching a number he knew by heart. Once the buzzing filled his ear, he leaned against the wall perpendicular to the door and buried a hand into the trouser pocket where he kept his pistol--appearing relaxed but ready for an ambush.

Finally a click, and a familiar voice.

Spy smiled. “Bonjour, mon petit chou-fleur,” He hummed, and listened to her response.

His expression melted to concern at her croaky voice as if she had been crying. “Mon cheri? Are you alright?...What happened?...Yes...Yes, I just got back from respawn myself...Scout?...He--what?” Spy’s eyes bulged out of his head in shock. “Scout crashed his own  _ funeral? _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> I adore the headcanon that since Scout has seven older brothers he probably has TONS of nieces and nephews and loves them all to bits (also maybe making Spy a grandpa XD). Also love the idea that respawn just doesn't have range or an off button so the mercs will be pmuch immortal until they're super old. But Scout geez did it never cross your mind to call your Ma' and tell her you were alright c'mon funerals are expensive man.


End file.
